PROVIDENCE, R.I. (Snarkentary Today)—School’s back in session, and that means school fundraisers are out in force, shaking the trees to raise money for everything from band uniforms to class field trips. But students at one Rhode Island middle school won’t be joining the throngs of cherub-faced kids going door-to-door, guilt-tripping their neighbors into purchasing rolls of ugly wrapping paper or migraine-inducing scented candles. That’s because Edgemont Middle School’s PTO has pulled off what school officials are calling a “record-breaking fundraiser,” raising all of the money needed to pay for the school’s new building in one campaign. Construction on the new school is set to start in the spring.
PTO president Gabby Murphy credits the successful fundraising campaign to the PTO’s partnership with artisanal cannabis cooperative, Growing Philosophers. “We are absolutely rolling in it,” she giggled. “Ha! See what I did there? Rolling in it. Get it? Do you? I am just cracking myself up today. Anyway, when word got out we were selling blunts, the orders just poured in. I think we had 100 percent parent participation on this fundraiser.”
Murphy is quick to point out that the PTO didn’t set out to become pot dealers. “Initially, we thought `growing philosophers’ was like a metaphor for learning,” she explains. “But the pot thing has worked out way better. WAY BETTER. Not only were parents eager to share the fundraising flyers with their friends and neighbors, but when we joined forces with the Marching Band, which was selling candy to purchase new uniforms, sales increased like 1000 percent. I’m telling you, pairing Fraggle Skunk Auto with a Snickers bar is the absolute bomb-diggity! This is really a win for the school and for the kids.”
“Plus,” Murphy added, before zoning out completely: “PTO is super mellow this year.”