Honoring Major Parenting Moments That Totally Deserve a Prize
ORLANDO (Snarkentary Today)—Just as the Fields Medal celebrates outstanding discoveries in mathematics, and the Nobel Prize honors advances in the sciences and literature, Science of Parenthood’s Eureka! Awards recognize breakthrough moments in parenting and family life.
So few are given because these moments, they are so rare.
And the Eureka! Award goes to . . .
Mathematicians Hartwin Mansfleck and K. Willis Treacle at the University of Chicago for determining the numeric value of “crush depth”—the precise point at which relentless whining for the latest Xbox system, iWhatever, or Fashion Barbie’s Manolo Blahniks will break even the most stalwart parent’s resolve, causing it to crumble like a stale graham cracker.
Microbiologists Drs. Reginald P. Smoot and Farley McWarblings at the University of Oxford for their groundbreaking research on Lego proliferation. Legos’ propensity to multiply once they enter a home is well-documented, but it was the Oxford team of scientists who discovered that Legos’ replication mechanism was nearly identical to the way viruses reproduce and spread. They noted in their research paper that “just as a child’s cold virus replicates and quickly spreads to everyone in the household, so too do Legos, once even a single model enters the home, rapidly start spreading, covering every floor with multi-colored plastic.” The Oxford research paves the way for work on preventive measures to halt Lego spread, allowing parents to once again walk barefoot in their homes without fear.
Mathematician Dr. H. Leon Lilly at M.I.T. for solving the Pee-ometry Equation. Considered perhaps the most important development in mathematics since Pythagoras and his triangle, the proof for this simple, elegant equation has immediate real-world applications, enabling parents in the midst of a diaper change to quickly calculate the trajectory that an infant boy will arc his urine once air hits his penis, and dodge the stream.
Neuroscientists Drs. Kolora Flamebreech and Simbana Bam at the University of New South Wales in Australia for identifying and validating the postpartum memory lapse—known colloquially as “pregnancy brain” before the baby arrives and “mom brain” after the birth. This will undoubtedly cheer millions of moms who’ll be glad to know they’re not losing their minds, just their short-term memories. Fortunately, these brain farts are like regular farts—annoying but transient. The upside, researchers report, is that this type of memory loss serves to erase any recollection of delivery-room trauma, with the result that moms actually (might) want to have sex again. (At some point. Probably.)
Excerpted from Science of Parenthood: Thoroughly Unscientific Explanations for Utterly Baffling Parenting Situations (She Writes Press). For a limited time, when you purchase a copy of Science of Parenthood, you’ll receive a FREE copy of our brand new Kindle Short Read, Science of Parenthood’s Mistakes, Mishaps & WTF? Moments: Selected Stories From Behind Our Cartoons.
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