ORLANDO (Snarkentary Today)—The USDA announced today that video game “health points” have real world nutritional value and can be substituted for fruits, vegetables, grains, meats and dairy products — singly or in combinations.
“Health points are incredibly versatile, they become whatever you need them to be,” says USDA spokesperson Wilma Dietz. “They’re like the tofu of the gaming world.”
The USDA’s announcement comes at a time when food manufacturers, cognizant of the potential damaging effects of climate change on the nation’s food supply, are actively seeking alternative food sources, such as protein-rich crickets, which are finding their way into select energy bars and baked goods.
“Kids are notoriously picky eaters,” says Dietz. “We don’t see them eating a lot of insects — at least not outside a fraternity hazing ritual. That’s why at the USDA, we’re going all in on health points. Kids rarely want to eat anyway, so health points are perfect for them.”
Parents of gamers cheered the USDA’s news, saying health points helped them cut down on unnecessary food waste.
“I usually end up throwing my son’s meals away because he never wants to put down his game controller long enough to to eat,” sighs Lynn Smalls, of Winter Garden, Florida. “Not even when I bring the food to him in his game room. Not even when I chew it up for him and put it in his mouth. Maybe he’d eat actual food if I could figure out how to digest it and poop it out for him. Till then, he’ll just have to survive on health points.”
“It’s good to know health points aren’t the worthless digital ciphers I initially thought they were,” says Brenda Martins of Windermere. “Though I’m not sure what happens if my kid loses all his health points. I suppose in that unlikely event, he’ll just have to make himself a sandwich.”
[Related: Rachael Ray bakes quick & easy health points snacks your kids will love!]