Back in November, we ran a special edition of our Mommy Math series, called Milk Math … Or Am I Done Pumping Yet? by Nicole Goodman of Work In Sweats Mama. No sooner had our post hit the Interwebs than one of our favorite dad bloggers, Eli Pacheco of CoachDaddy, piped up with:
Mom Math is tough, but you should try Dad Math: How many large pizzas should we order if daddy’s really hungry, and he has three kids with him? Stuff like that. It’s maddening.
Maddening. Really? Don’t most dads just order a half-dozen pies, give one to the kids and eat the rest at 3 am while watching reruns of NCIS? Wait … Just at my house? Hmmm.
Anyhoo … On the off chance that we missed some key component of parental calculus, like when we slept through that semester of trig in high school, we challenged Coach Daddy (er … asked him very, very nicely) to hit us with his best Applied Daddy Mathematics. Coach Daddy maintains that “Dad Math problems are just as tough as Mom Math problems … but they probably come on barbecue-sauce stained worksheets.” Which naturally begs the question: Texas-, Memphis-, Carolina- or Kansas City-style barbecue? And, more importantly, can you pick some up for dinner?
So, dig in, Daddios. And don’t forget to show your work. Even on a napkin.
1. Nathaniel, father of three, plays in four fantasy football leagues, which requires 17 hours of pre-season scouting and six hours of draft time. If Nathaniel wants to stay in his wife’s good graces, what percentage of time should he scour the waiver wire in each league versus helping his kids with homework or committing each of their birthdays to memory?
2. Braulio makes a grocery run for coffee, maxi pads and cabbage (no, not for the same recipe). He brings his son, Jacob, age 7, along. If Pops wants to buy a Big Gulp root beer and a family-size bag of pork rinds and “accidentally” lose the receipt before he gets home, draw the linear equality graph showing the amount he needs to pay Jacob for hush candy?
Extra credit: How would this deviate if Pops also wanted to linger with a copy of the Glamour magazine issue featuring Jennifer Lawrence on the cover?
3. David watches Cincinnati Bengals games with great disdain. Each time Andy Dalton gets sacked, he lets out a four-letter word. The first sack results in a Damn, the second, a Shit, and by four and five, F bombs are flying. With his 4-year-old twin girls playing 3.4 meters from his armchair, how likely is it one or the other will repeat those F-bombs at dinner?
Extra credit: For how many quarters of play will David’s wife penalize him by stiff-arming all post-bedtime tackle attempts?
4. Abraham has four children, ages 8 to 18, who share his love for Buffalo wings. Abraham skimped on groceries and only bought 36 wings for everyone to share. How many wings can Abraham inhale at the grill and still leave a divisible and acceptable amount on the plate he brings inside for the kids?
Extra credit: What proportion of wings to drummettes should Abraham leave on the plate to reduce the risk his clandestine gluttony will be exposed?
5. Delbert is 40. His daughter, Electra, is 14. When should the middle-aged dad stop following the twentysomething-year-old cast members of Glee on Twitter before it gets kinda creepy?
Extra credit: At what age should Delbert give up Twitter completely and instead hope for furtive glimpses of Brooke Shields in Lazy Boy commercials on TV?
6. Garrett has been married three years has just become a new father. If Garrett empties the diaper pail 92 percent of the time without being nagged; administers 1.62 wifey foot rubs per week; shaves his face 6.225 times per week on average; and takes the 2 am and 4 am feedings every night, for how many years must he push a cart around the Garden Ridge craft store on NFL Sunday afternoons before he can stay home to watch a Tampa Bay Bucs game in peace?
Extra credit: How many times must he say, “That’s cute” when his wife points out another nursery decorating idea, baby book or playset to warrant listening to the game on the radio in the car?
7. Josiah stands 5-foot-7 and weighs 185 pounds. OK, 205. His 2-year-old daughter, Sophia, is 32.7 inches tall and wears size 2 sneakers (the kind that light up when she walks). Josiah’s family averages 42.959 minutes per grocery shopping trip. If Josiah pushes the cart with his daughter in the shopping cart seat, how many direct kicks to his jewels can Josiah endure before the odds that Sophia will ever become a big sister drop by 10 percent?
8. Morris has been left home with three boys, ages 2, 4, and 7. Morris has four episodes of Breaking Bad to catch up on. His wife, Clovis, is at a 90-minute yoga class 18 minutes away. If Clovis chats with friends for 17 minutes before leaving and stops at Krispy Kreme for a donut on the way home, how much will Morris have to pay his 7-year-old to corral the two younger boys long enough to get through two episodes?
Extra credit: What is the mean on a random variable of Morris’ 7-year-old microwaving something metal if Morris asks him to warm up meatballs for him, so he won’t miss any precious screen time?
9. Allen has taken his daughter, Darlene, to an average of 8.2 Louisville Redbirds minor-league baseball games per season, starting at age 3. If Allen averages a new Redbirds cap for Darlene every 1.1 season; buys her ice cream in a baseball hat at 98 percent of those games; and gets box seats at a 3:1 ratio, how likely is it that Darlene will avoid getting her tongue pierced by age 18 or date guy who lives in a van?
10. Cassius coaches his son’s T-ball team and is an assistant on his daughter’s soccer team. He has never missed a Dads-n-Donuts breakfast at school; takes his kids to church on 93 percent of all Sundays; and sold his billiards table for $50 to make space for his son’s nursery. If Cassius attends every future daddy/daughter dance, teaches both kids to drive, and never forgets his anniversary, how much more will he need to do to become more like Rick Castle in Castle than Ted Mosby from How I Met your Mother?
Extra credit: To what negative power of 37 will it matter if he can do all this, and still win his fantasy football league?
*Unless it’s breastfeeding. You’re on your own there, babe.