Last year, we amped up the idea of doing readings and rolled out a full-blown “one-mom” comedy show called Science of Parenthood Live! Here’s a snippet from a recent show at the Orlando Science Center.
Check our Appearances page to see where Science of Parenthood Live! will be next.
Health points are the perfect food for kids who don’t eat anyway, says the USDA.
ORLANDO (Snarkentary Today)—The USDA announced today that video game “health points” have real world nutritional value and can be substituted for fruits, vegetables, grains, meats and dairy products — singly or in combinations.
“Health points are incredibly versatile, they become whatever you need them to be,” says USDA spokesperson Wilma Dietz. “They’re like the tofu of the gaming world.”
The USDA’s announcement comes at a time when food manufacturers, cognizant of the potential damaging effects of climate change on the nation’s food supply, are actively seeking alternative food sources, such as protein-rich crickets, which are finding their way into select energy bars and baked goods.
“Kids are notoriously picky eaters,” says Dietz. “We don’t see them eating a lot of insects — at least not outside a fraternity hazing ritual. That’s why at the USDA, we’re going all in on health points. Kids rarely want to eat anyway, so health points are perfect for them.”
Parents of gamers cheered the USDA’s news, saying health points helped them cut down on unnecessary food waste.
“I usually end up throwing my son’s meals away because he never wants to put down his game controller long enough to to eat,” sighs Lynn Smalls, of Winter Garden, Florida. “Not even when I bring the food to him in his game room. Not even when I chew it up for him and put it in his mouth. Maybe he’d eat actual food if I could figure out how to digest it and poop it out for him. Till then, he’ll just have to survive on health points.”
“It’s good to know health points aren’t the worthless digital ciphers I initially thought they were,” says Brenda Martins of Windermere. “Though I’m not sure what happens if my kid loses all his health points. I suppose in that unlikely event, he’ll just have to make himself a sandwich.”
[Related: Rachael Ray bakes quick & easy health points snacks your kids will love!]
Merry Christmas, Parents!
It’s your proud-to-be-selflessly-working-overtime-for-your-kids PTA President Janie McMahon here with a quick note about the Holiday Shoppe gifts you’ll be receiving from your children this Christmas.
Over the summer, the PTA Book Club read Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, and enraptured by the Gospel of Decluttering, voted unanimously to run the Holiday Shoppe a bit differently this year.
As always, the children shopped the Holiday Shoppe by class, with help from your dedicated PTA volunteers. A HUGE thank you to everyone who sent in lists of family members the kiddos needed to buy gifts for along with cash/checks made out to Orange Grove Preschool PTA. That really streamlined the process for our volunteers! So much easier than last year when no one could remember if Billy Schmidt was supposed to buy gifts for his egg donor and gestational surrogate. It makes such a difference when we all work together!
A special shout out to Milly Sanders who sent her daughter to shop with rolls of pennies! It is always so helpful to have exact change. The PTA volunteer helping her shop said Ivy had a wonderful time counting the pennies for every item she purchased. Just HOURS of fun!
(BTW, our Holiday Shoppe raised a whopping $173.81 this year, which will go to stocking the teachers break room with Diet Coke. We HEART our Orange Grove teachers!)
Each item your child chose was expertly photographed, and then that photo was beautifully gift-wrapped by one of our PTA volunteers who spent a decade teaching Tiffany & Co. sales associates how to tie the perfect ribbon bow (Thank you, Clarice!) In the spirit of the season, we want you parents to feel all the joy of receiving the gifts your children have so lovingly picked out for you without the joy-sucking burden of having to actually keep them. Once the holidays are over, all gifts will be deposited directly into our local landfill.
Consider this OUR gift to YOU. Because who’re we kidding here? it’s not like we contracted with Hammacher Schlemmer to run the Holiday Shoppe. We bid it out to three vendors and chose the one that specializes in pure schlock. One hundred percent Grade A garbage. How else do you think a kid can buy gifts for Mom, Dad, grandparents, stepparents, assorted siblings, half-siblings and step-siblings for $3.50 and still have cash left over for the toy he just wants to get for himself?
We don’t even need to ask if those giant rhinestone hoop earrings better-suited for a hooker named Star, which somehow get “lost” before Valentine’s Day, bring you joy. So no more filling up junk drawers you’ll only empty into Hefty bags later. No more slipping mini buckets of slime into the trash while the kid’s glued to the Xbox. We know this shit is going to end up in the landfill eventually. We’re just saving you the trip. You’re welcome.
Bringing you maximum joy this holiday season,
Janie McMahon
Your Tireless PTA President
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When we lasted visited with funny guy David Vienna, it was back in 2015 when he was telling parents the world over to calm the fuck down. Literally. That was the title of his book, Calm The F*ck Down: The Only Parenting Technique You’ll Ever Need. Based on a viral post from his Daddy Complex blog, his book encouraged parents to stop freaking out about their kids, use some common sense and just parent. That was some really truly helpful advice there. Though his book had the unintentional effect of eliminating the parenting advice book genre as parents took Vienna’s words so much to heart, there was no longer a need for additional parenting advice books. (Kidding!)
Author David Vienna: Always looking for the right cocktail for the right occasion.
Still, it’s not like Vienna could write another parenting book since he’d basically written a book assuring parents they didn’t need more parenting books. So he’s turned his comedic talents to another topic: home bartending. This is also known as Making Fancy Drinks When You’re Stuck At Home. As opposed to what I used to do, which was just pour vodka in a glass and hope it wouldn’t spill. I like his title better though, which is Drinks for Mundane Tasks: 70 Cocktail Recipes for Everyday Chores, published by Knock Knock. Recently, I had a chance to ask him about the new direction his writing’s taken.
Norine Dworkin-McDaniel: David, you’ve included cocktails for occasions not traditionally thought of as “drinking” occasions. Helping your kid with homework — okay, I will give you that one. But changing a lightbulb? Packing lunches? Making a doctor’s appointment? Has parenting gotten so rough or so boring that you’re looking for any excuse to day drink? Or are you looking for another way to express yourself as an artist and you’ve chosen booze as your new medium?
David Vienna: Let’s be clear, I need no excuse to day-drink. It’s one of the great joys of adulthood. That said, I’ve always been a fan of finding the right cocktail for the event—whether an office party or a night at the theater or a beach barbecue with old friends. Drinks for Mundane Tasks just brings that quest into the home. As for expressing myself, I’m a writer by trade and a drinker by hobby. This book seemed the perfect marriage of my two passions.
As a fellow parent, I definitely understand why you’d need a drink (or several … just leave the bottle) if you’re doing homework with your child, watching TV with your child, convincing your child to eat one more bite. But what are the unrealized benefits of having an adult beverage while you put your groceries away or change a lightbulb?
It’s simple. Cocktails make everything better. The act of creating a special drink—following the steps, cutting the garnish, measuring the ingredients—is akin to meditation. And then enjoying that drink while you complete whatever chore you’re doing turns it into a party.
You had me at “Cocktails make everything better.” Besides a bottle opener and a corkscrew, what are the essential elements of a well-stocked bar for parents?
A truly well-stocked home bar can drive you to poverty. So for parents who have to worry about paying for diapers or the soccer enrollment fee, let’s keep it simple. In the book, I suggest that the most important thing anyone can have in their home bar is some sort of citrus soda because it’s the ultimate mixer. Of course, that won’t do any good if you don’t have booze. Unless you’re planning on entertaining every weekend, just keep the alcohol selections to your favorites. (Aside from wine, our home bar mostly consists of bourbon for me, vodka for my wife, and tequila for when we’re feeling festive.)
If you’re feeling experimental and have some spending money, start with the basics: rum, vodka, tequila, whiskey, gin. Have some juices around, cranberry and orange are good go-tos. Bitters are also fun to play with when making up drinks. It also doesn’t hurt to look in the pantry to see what you already have, like horseradish, limes, hot sauce, olives, and sugar. All of those (and more) can be used to make a good drink great. You might want special cocktail glasses. They don’t have to be fancy, but it will help you avoid drinking a Harvey Wallbanger from your kid’s plastic Big Bird cup. Other than that, a cocktail shaker is important. And ice. Alway have ice. No one likes a warm margarita.
True that. Beyond a frosty margarita, here are five more cocktails parents can appreciate at under- appreciated moments of the day from Drinks for Mundane Tasks. As my grandmother would say, “L’chaim!”
There are a lot of things to get done and the best way to attack them all efficiently is to start with an organized list. It helps you order your thoughts, picture the various ways to accomplish each chore, and offers the divine satisfaction of crossing off items as you complete them. Yes, there’s nothing more gratifying than a well-written to-do list, except perhaps the Priority One. The fizzy tonic will make sure you stay focused, stay refreshed, and stay happy. Of course, if “Restock the bar” is on your to-do list, you may have a bit of a conundrum.
The Priority One
2 oz tequila
½ oz crème de cassis
1 oz orange juice
1 oz pineapple juice
7Up
Mix tequila, crème de cassis, orange juice, and pineapple juice in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a collins glass, and then top off with 7Up. On your list, check off “Make myself a good drink.”
The eternal debate over whether to have chicken, fish, pasta, or a big salad often goes on so long, all parties end up just eating saltines out of the box over the sink and wondering where the night went wrong. Relax with a Leftover, which will inspire you to, at the very least, land on an entrée or, at worst, attempt that fancy bacon-potato-muffin recipe you saw on an Internet video.
The Leftover
2 oz vodka
1 oz crème de cacao
lime
Mix vodka and crème de cacao in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a cocktail glass and squeeze lime wedge into drink. Count the drink calories toward your meal.
That bachelor’s degree may have led to a nice job, but it doesn’t seem to do any good when dealing with your child’s homework. Seriously, what good is your education if you can’t figure out one darn algebra equation? With the help of a refreshing Solve for X, you may not come to the right answers, but you’ll undoubtedly come to an answer. And even if you’re dead wrong on all of them, it’s your kid getting the bad grade, not you.
Solve for X
2 oz bourbon
1 oz lemonade
3 oz orange juice
1 dash salt
lemon
Mix bourbon, lemonade, orange juice, and salt in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into chilled sour glass and garnish with lemon peel. Don’t let your child see your calculator.
Wash, dry, fold, stack, repeat. The janitor cleaning the gym locker room doesn’t see this much underwear. And where did all those single socks go? The pile of freshly washed and dried clothes may put a wrinkle in your day, but thanks to the apricot garnish of the Lost Sock you’ll get plenty of iron. Now, the steps are wash, dry, fold, stack, sip, repeat.
The Lost Sock
2 oz rye
1 oz dry vermouth
1 dash angostura
bitters
apricot
Mix rye, vermouth, and bitters in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake, strain into a martini glass, and garnish with apricot. Consider leaving the laundry until tomorrow.
The last tug on the lamp chain proved fatal. The brilliant flash, followed by darkness signaled the death of the bulb. And though the new moody tone of the dim room could be a nice change, it seems impossible to blindly navigate around the low coffee table without suffering bumped shins or worse. On your way to grab a spare bulb, stop by the kitchen and whip up a Thomas Edison. Named for the man who gave us modern lighting, the bright taste of the cocktail will shine a light on any task and will even make a bumped shin feel better.
All photos: Knock Knock 2017 Copyright Knock Knock LLC
The Thomas Edison
1½ oz whiskey
1½ oz gin
1 oz lemonade
1 tsp grenadine
lemon
Mix whiskey, gin, lemonade, and grenadine in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a sour glass and garnish with a lemon wedge. If reaching the light requires a ladder, maybe hold off on the cocktail until you’re done.
ORLANDO (Snarkentary Today)—The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) today issued a warning about a new risk associated with playing Pokemon Go!
A new survey done by NIMH suggests that up to 40 percent of parents whose kids play Pokemon GO! daily are experiencing panic attacks brought on by overexposure to Japanese anime. Health experts are dubbing it “anime anxiety.”
These panic attacks are typically triggered by nonstop whining to go hunting for Pokemon as well as incessant chatter about Pokemon character’s health points, epic battles, powers and evolutions. Even “raspberries” have become potential triggers as children use digital raspberries to attract Pokemon for capture. At least one mom reportedly fled Publix after noticing that raspberries were buy-one-get-one. She abandoned a full shopping cart right in the middle of the produce section.
Other news outlets are reporting several cases of near-fatal sticker shock that occurred when parents shopped for Pokemon figures and trading cards, and discovered just how much this crap actually costs. A Virginia mom is reportedly still in critical condition after Googling “super rare” Pokemon cards. Her sister, Shari, said she collapsed in Starbucks after clicking on a Chameleon card priced at $4,000. “She thought the cards would make a fun stocking stuffer. She had no idea,” her sister said. “Please everyone, send prayers.”
Adapted from Science of Parenthood: Thoroughly Unscientific Explanations for Utterly Baffling Parenting Situations (She Writes Press).
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Courtesy of Freepik
ORLANDO (Snarkentary Today)—Just as the Fields Medal celebrates outstanding discoveries in mathematics, and the Nobel Prize honors advances in the sciences and literature, Science of Parenthood’s Eureka! Awards recognize breakthrough moments in parenting and family life.
So few are given because these moments, they are so rare.
And the Eureka! Award goes to . . .
Mathematicians Hartwin Mansfleck and K. Willis Treacle at the University of Chicago for determining the numeric value of “crush depth”—the precise point at which relentless whining for the latest Xbox system, iWhatever, or Fashion Barbie’s Manolo Blahniks will break even the most stalwart parent’s resolve, causing it to crumble like a stale graham cracker.
Microbiologists Drs. Reginald P. Smoot and Farley McWarblings at the University of Oxford for their groundbreaking research on Lego proliferation. Legos’ propensity to multiply once they enter a home is well-documented, but it was the Oxford team of scientists who discovered that Legos’ replication mechanism was nearly identical to the way viruses reproduce and spread. They noted in their research paper that “just as a child’s cold virus replicates and quickly spreads to everyone in the household, so too do Legos, once even a single model enters the home, rapidly start spreading, covering every floor with multi-colored plastic.” The Oxford research paves the way for work on preventive measures to halt Lego spread, allowing parents to once again walk barefoot in their homes without fear.
Mathematician Dr. H. Leon Lilly at M.I.T. for solving the Pee-ometry Equation. Considered perhaps the most important development in mathematics since Pythagoras and his triangle, the proof for this simple, elegant equation has immediate real-world applications, enabling parents in the midst of a diaper change to quickly calculate the trajectory that an infant boy will arc his urine once air hits his penis, and dodge the stream.
Neuroscientists Drs. Kolora Flamebreech and Simbana Bam at the University of New South Wales in Australia for identifying and validating the postpartum memory lapse—known colloquially as “pregnancy brain” before the baby arrives and “mom brain” after the birth. This will undoubtedly cheer millions of moms who’ll be glad to know they’re not losing their minds, just their short-term memories. Fortunately, these brain farts are like regular farts—annoying but transient. The upside, researchers report, is that this type of memory loss serves to erase any recollection of delivery-room trauma, with the result that moms actually (might) want to have sex again. (At some point. Probably.)
Excerpted from Science of Parenthood: Thoroughly Unscientific Explanations for Utterly Baffling Parenting Situations (She Writes Press). For a limited time, when you purchase a copy of Science of Parenthood, you’ll receive a FREE copy of our brand new Kindle Short Read, Science of Parenthood’s Mistakes, Mishaps & WTF? Moments: Selected Stories From Behind Our Cartoons.
Details for receiving your free ebook are here.
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Jonathan Montgomery Fitzsimmons-McGhee is suing his parents for $10 million for repetitive motion injuries resulting from repeatedly writing out his very long name.
ORLANDO (Snarkentary Today)—Jonathan Montgomery Fitzsimmons-McGhee, 10, of Winter Garden, Florida, is suing his parents for “giving me the longest name ever.”
The middle-schooler—whose full legal name is more than 30 characters long—is seeking $10 million in damages for physical injuries sustained when having to write out his full name while doing school work.
“It’s so not fair,” Fitzsimmons-McGhee told reporters who gathered in his bedroom for the press conference earlier today. “Why do I have to have such a long name? It takes me twice as long as other kids in my class to write my name at the top of my papers. Everybody always finishes before me. Plus, my hand hurts.”
The boy’s parents, Julie and Robert Fitzsimmon-McGhee, also of Winter Garden, released a joint statement in which they acknowledged that they had willfully given their only child an excruciatingly long name. But they denied there was any connection between handwriting and the boy’s self-described injury. Rather, according to the countersuit Fitzsimmons-McGhee’s parents filed the same day, they attribute his discomfort to the long hours he spends playing Minecraft.
“We told him to give it a rest,” his mother Julie said. “But would he listen? Of course not.”
Attorneys for both sides have indicated they’d like to settle this matter amicably. For his part, Fitzsimmons-McGhee has hinted that he might be persuaded to accept an Xbox in lieu of the $10 million in damages he’s seeking, or even an extra hour a day to play Pokemon Go after his homework is done. As of press time, his parents had not responded to his offer.
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Photo: Florida Today
ORLANDO (Snarkentary Today)—An Orlando area mom who allegedly threw her four-year-old daughter’s drawing in the trash is facing felony charges for disposing of a minor’s artwork.
When police arrived on the scene yesterday afternoon, they found a piece of paper inside the kitchen trash can and a preschooler sobbing inconsolably on the floor beside it. Police were able to recover the paper, with two red squiggly lines, as evidence.
The mother has been identified as Laurie Wright, 32, of Windermere, Florida. “I was cleaning up the living room before dinner,” Wright protested. “This isn’t a masterpiece. It’s just scribble-scrabble. Tomorrow she’ll draw something else.”
Neighbors described Wright as a practitioner of feng shui who routinely decluttered her house. “I wish I could say I was surprised but I’m not,” said Sally McNamara, whose daughter is BFFs with Wright’s daughter. “Her home was always tidy. I don’t know how she’d manage that unless she was throwing stuff away.”
Wright was handcuffed and taken into custody where she currently awaits arraignment. If convicted, she could face a stiff prison sentence after which she would have to register as a bad mom who obviously hates art with the National Registry of Terrible Mothers.
“I’ve been on the force a long time, and I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Officer Paul Vargas. “Such depravity. It really does make you weep.”
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PROVIDENCE, R.I. (Snarkentary Today)—School’s back in session, and that means school fundraisers are out in force, shaking the trees to raise money for everything from band uniforms to class field trips. But students at one Rhode Island middle school won’t be joining the throngs of cherub-faced kids going door-to-door, guilt-tripping their neighbors into purchasing rolls of ugly wrapping paper or migraine-inducing scented candles. That’s because Edgemont Middle School’s PTO has pulled off what school officials are calling a “record-breaking fundraiser,” raising all of the money needed to pay for the school’s new building in one campaign. Construction on the new school is set to start in the spring.
PTO president Gabby Murphy credits the successful fundraising campaign to the PTO’s partnership with artisanal cannabis cooperative, Growing Philosophers. “We are absolutely rolling in it,” she giggled. “Ha! See what I did there? Rolling in it. Get it? Do you? I am just cracking myself up today. Anyway, when word got out we were selling blunts, the orders just poured in. I think we had 100 percent parent participation on this fundraiser.”
Murphy is quick to point out that the PTO didn’t set out to become pot dealers. “Initially, we thought `growing philosophers’ was like a metaphor for learning,” she explains. “But the pot thing has worked out way better. WAY BETTER. Not only were parents eager to share the fundraising flyers with their friends and neighbors, but when we joined forces with the Marching Band, which was selling candy to purchase new uniforms, sales increased like 1000 percent. I’m telling you, pairing Fraggle Skunk Auto with a Snickers bar is the absolute bomb-diggity! This is really a win for the school and for the kids.”
“Plus,” Murphy added, before zoning out completely: “PTO is super mellow this year.”
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