Even if the Common Core leaves you clueless, you’ll solve these summer-time Mommy Math problems like a real math whiz.
1. Mikey goes to a summer day camp 20 miles away each day till 4 pm. If the bus leaves camp at 4:10 pm, traveling at 35 miles per hour, and makes five stops before reaching Mikey’s neighborhood, how many seconds after exiting the bus will Mikey ask his mom where the iPad is so he can play Minecraft?
2. Liza takes her five-year-old and her eight-year-old out for frozen yogurt. The five-year-old fills her cup with four ounces of chocolate frozen yogurt and adds two scoops each of M&Ms, crushed Oreos and marshmallows. The eight-year-old fills his cup with five ounces of cookies & cream frozen yogurt and adds on an additional five ounces of gummy worms and gummy bears. Calculate how many ounces of frozen yogurt Liza will end up finishing when the kids decide they’re full.
Extra credit: By how much will Liza readjust her bathroom scale so she can pretend she’s not gaining weight?
3. Janie and Jack beg their parents to “Please! Please! Please!” take them to ride a roller coaster called The Beast every day. If after the first six weeks of summer, their parents cave to the endless begging and agree to drive two hours to the amusement park, pay $89.99 per ticket to enter the park and then wait in line for 90 minutes (enduring 80 minutes of “Is it our turn yet? Is it our turn YET???”), by how many fractions of an inch will Li’l Janie be too short to ride?
Extra credit: How many overpriced plastic souvenir park trinkets will Mom and Dad need to purchase before Li’l Janie stops crying, “I wanna riiiiiiide!! WHY CAN’T I RIDE???”
4. Maggie has a package of eight popsicles in assorted flavors. If she divides them equally between four children, how many will pout that they don’t like the color popsicle she gave them?
5. Sammy spies a super-soaker water gun that costs $19.99 while grocery shopping with his mom. He chatters nonstop about the super-soaker for 45 minutes, promising to “never ask for anything else, ever, ever again” if she’ll buy it for him. If his mom finally agrees to buy the water gun so that she can “just get through my grocery list for crissakes!” estimate, to the nearest minute, the time it will take Sammy to lose all interest in the super-soaker once he gets his new toy home.
Extra credit: When Sammy’s younger brother picks up the forgotten water gun, estimate how many seconds it will take for Sammy to snatch it back, yelling, “Don’t touch it! That’s mine! You can’t have it. MOM!!!”
6. Twins Kelly and Katie ask their mom to supervise them while they go swimming at the community pool. If it takes them 10 minutes to drive to the pool, 15 minutes for the girls to change into their bathing suits and 20 minutes for Mom to set up her lounge chair, adjust the umbrella for shade and get comfortable with her trashy beach novel and icy cold beverage, calculate how many minutes before both girls declare the pool is “too cold” and that they want to go home “RIGHT NOW, MOM!”
The best laid plans.. well, you know how that old saw goes. Summer “fun”so rarely lives up to the elaborately constructed picture in our heads. In an effort to save you some sun-soaked trauma this summer, here are a few activities you might want to side-step.
The Amusement Park
Expectation: Your parents NEVER brought you to an amusement park, you ROCK! Best. Parent. EVER!
Reality: Wait… tickets are HOW much?!? Well, that explains why your parents never took you. If you’d known a slice of pizza was going to be $20, you’d have smuggled granola in your cargo pants. Too late now! When did roller coasters become so painful? It feels like the fillings are going to pop out of your teeth! The kids will either refuse all rides except the merry-go-round which they can ride FOR FREE at the local park, OR drag you on every vertebrate-realigning, vomit-inducing, system-shocker on the premises. At least one person will vomit; high-fives if it’s not you.
The Road Trip
Expectation: Let’s be honest here, we don’t love this idea, but flights for the entire family are expensive! Maybe we can turn this into a something fun and save a few bucks along the way. We can play all of those fun car games! What are those … Something about license plates? And punching people? Maybe skip that one.
Reality: Oh, there will be punching and the car games are of the She’s looking at me again! and He’s on my side! variety. “Lunch”will consist of Slurpees, McNuggets and candy in a desperate bribe for five minutes of peace but will result in…you guessed it! Vomit.
Expectation: Lounging in the sun, reading a magazine while children frolic in the surf and collect shells and rocks so they can create an elaborate mosaic later on that will keep them occupied until bedtime.
Reality: You’ll pull a groin muscle while shuffling around the beach for 40 minutes looking for a spot far away from the stinky piles of seaweed and the sand fleas lurking within. It only takes one well-timed kick to coat every item of food you’ve brought in a layer of sand. You think you’ve brushed it all off, but you will almost break a tooth on a sand-crusted slice of cheese. If you have girls, I have two words: Sandbag crotch. Otherwise, expect a litany of It’s too cold! It’s too hot! It’s too windy! The seagulls are going for my eyes! Let’s just get the hell out of here!
Expectation: Communing with nature, s’mores, hot dogs over a campfire, sing-a-longs!
Reality: Nature is full of bugs. And snakes. Explaining the concept of a bear-bag to your children will result in them shooting upright, wide-eyed and rigid at every little sound outside the tent at night. Bring extra hot dogs because at least three will end up in the fire. Don’t forget to bear-bag the charred remains! The s’mores WILL be delicious and your daughter’s snarled marshmallow/dirt morning hairdo will almost be worth it. Girls will refuse to enter the outhouse and boys will mark the perimeter of your campground like wild dogs. It will rain if you left any clothing out to dry. You know who’s up even earlier than children? Birds. And they are freakin’ loud!