ORLANDO (Snarkentary Today)—Jonathan Montgomery Fitzsimmons-McGhee, 10, of Winter Garden, Florida, is suing his parents for “giving me the longest name ever.”
The middle-schooler—whose full legal name is more than 30 characters long—is seeking $10 million in damages for physical injuries sustained when having to write out his full name while doing school work.
“It’s so not fair,” Fitzsimmons-McGhee told reporters who gathered in his bedroom for the press conference earlier today. “Why do I have to have such a long name? It takes me twice as long as other kids in my class to write my name at the top of my papers. Everybody always finishes before me. Plus, my hand hurts.”
The boy’s parents, Julie and Robert Fitzsimmon-McGhee, also of Winter Garden, released a joint statement in which they acknowledged that they had willfully given their only child an excruciatingly long name. But they denied there was any connection between handwriting and the boy’s self-described injury. Rather, according to the countersuit Fitzsimmons-McGhee’s parents filed the same day, they attribute his discomfort to the long hours he spends playing Minecraft.
“We told him to give it a rest,” his mother Julie said. “But would he listen? Of course not.”
Attorneys for both sides have indicated they’d like to settle this matter amicably. For his part, Fitzsimmons-McGhee has hinted that he might be persuaded to accept an Xbox in lieu of the $10 million in damages he’s seeking, or even an extra hour a day to play Pokemon Go after his homework is done. As of press time, his parents had not responded to his offer.
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