ORLANDO (Snarkentary Today)—Jonathan Montgomery Fitzsimmons-McGhee, 10, of Winter Garden, Florida, is suing his parents for “giving me the longest name ever.”
The middle-schooler—whose full legal name is more than 30 characters long—is seeking $10 million in damages for physical injuries sustained when having to write out his full name while doing school work.
“It’s so not fair,” Fitzsimmons-McGhee told reporters who gathered in his bedroom for the press conference earlier today. “Why do I have to have such a long name? It takes me twice as long as other kids in my class to write my name at the top of my papers. Everybody always finishes before me. Plus, my hand hurts.”
The boy’s parents, Julie and Robert Fitzsimmon-McGhee, also of Winter Garden, released a joint statement in which they acknowledged that they had willfully given their only child an excruciatingly long name. But they denied there was any connection between handwriting and the boy’s self-described injury. Rather, according to the countersuit Fitzsimmons-McGhee’s parents filed the same day, they attribute his discomfort to the long hours he spends playing Minecraft.
“We told him to give it a rest,” his mother Julie said. “But would he listen? Of course not.”
Attorneys for both sides have indicated they’d like to settle this matter amicably. For his part, Fitzsimmons-McGhee has hinted that he might be persuaded to accept an Xbox in lieu of the $10 million in damages he’s seeking, or even an extra hour a day to play Pokemon Go after his homework is done. As of press time, his parents had not responded to his offer.
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ORLANDO (Snarkentary Today)—An Orlando area mom who allegedly threw her four-year-old daughter’s drawing in the trash is facing felony charges for disposing of a minor’s artwork.
When police arrived on the scene yesterday afternoon, they found a piece of paper inside the kitchen trash can and a preschooler sobbing inconsolably on the floor beside it. Police were able to recover the paper, with two red squiggly lines, as evidence.
The mother has been identified as Laurie Wright, 32, of Windermere, Florida. “I was cleaning up the living room before dinner,” Wright protested. “This isn’t a masterpiece. It’s just scribble-scrabble. Tomorrow she’ll draw something else.”
Neighbors described Wright as a practitioner of feng shui who routinely decluttered her house. “I wish I could say I was surprised but I’m not,” said Sally McNamara, whose daughter is BFFs with Wright’s daughter. “Her home was always tidy. I don’t know how she’d manage that unless she was throwing stuff away.”
Wright was handcuffed and taken into custody where she currently awaits arraignment. If convicted, she could face a stiff prison sentence after which she would have to register as a bad mom who obviously hates art with the National Registry of Terrible Mothers.
“I’ve been on the force a long time, and I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Officer Paul Vargas. “Such depravity. It really does make you weep.”
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PROVIDENCE, R.I. (Snarkentary Today)—School’s back in session, and that means school fundraisers are out in force, shaking the trees to raise money for everything from band uniforms to class field trips. But students at one Rhode Island middle school won’t be joining the throngs of cherub-faced kids going door-to-door, guilt-tripping their neighbors into purchasing rolls of ugly wrapping paper or migraine-inducing scented candles. That’s because Edgemont Middle School’s PTO has pulled off what school officials are calling a “record-breaking fundraiser,” raising all of the money needed to pay for the school’s new building in one campaign. Construction on the new school is set to start in the spring.
PTO president Gabby Murphy credits the successful fundraising campaign to the PTO’s partnership with artisanal cannabis cooperative, Growing Philosophers. “We are absolutely rolling in it,” she giggled. “Ha! See what I did there? Rolling in it. Get it? Do you? I am just cracking myself up today. Anyway, when word got out we were selling blunts, the orders just poured in. I think we had 100 percent parent participation on this fundraiser.”
Murphy is quick to point out that the PTO didn’t set out to become pot dealers. “Initially, we thought `growing philosophers’ was like a metaphor for learning,” she explains. “But the pot thing has worked out way better. WAY BETTER. Not only were parents eager to share the fundraising flyers with their friends and neighbors, but when we joined forces with the Marching Band, which was selling candy to purchase new uniforms, sales increased like 1000 percent. I’m telling you, pairing Fraggle Skunk Auto with a Snickers bar is the absolute bomb-diggity! This is really a win for the school and for the kids.”
“Plus,” Murphy added, before zoning out completely: “PTO is super mellow this year.”
LAS VEGAS—Last night, in a stunning upset, Dallas mom Jill “Burgermeister” Martinez soundly defeated Amanda “Peanut Butter Boss” Masterson of Des Moines at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas to become the new Lunch-Boxing Champion of the World. Fans described the match-up of these heavy-hitters as the “fight of the century.”
As parents of school-age children know so well, lunch-boxing is the hot, new “extreme sport” that challenges moms to push their limits (and their sanity) to pack lunches other moms will envy.
Lunch-boxing got its start in 2005 as a “friendly” rivalry among a small group of private school moms in Park Slope, Brooklyn. But its popularity skyrocketed with the rise of Pinterest, gaining national prominence as moms across the country discovered there could be more to brown-bagging it than baloney and processed cheese. Not surprisingly, lunch-boxing’s become the “It” sport among moms who like to feel superior to others in the PTO. Last year, it outpaced CrossFit and spinning as the fastest growing sport for moms with kids ages 2 to 8 who somehow still have time to build scale models of Noah’s Ark out of crudité.
“Originally it was just a fun way to pack lunches for school,” explains Anna Davis, executive director of the North American Lunch-Boxing Federation. Now, it’s a blood sport.”
And so it was last night at the MGM Grand Garden Arena, where the trash talk got pretty ugly during the weigh-in:
“Your food looks like a drunk trucker slapped it together and tastes STORE-BOUGHT!” Martinez shouted.
“Imma take you down, bitch! Your bento’s so basic, you don’t know the difference between FONDUE and FONDANT. How ‘bout you FON-DON’T?” #BentoSoBasic immediately started trending.
Masterson had been heavily favored to win. But though she came out swinging, Masterson’s star-shaped organic peanut butter sandwich made with locally sourced quince jam on artisanal bread was quickly KO’d by Martinez’s Mona Lisa, rendered in black bean-quinoa sliders.
“Moms have really had to up their game,” said Davis after the match. “Maybe 30 years ago you could get away with slapping some deli meat between slices of Wonder Bread, squirting on some mustard, and calling it good. But that’s not gonna fly these days.”
No word yet on whether kids will eat any of it.
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AUGUST 27—Meteorologists around the world today are reporting a stunning weather development: Hell has frozen over.
The Weather Channel, first to report the climate change, noted that it occurred at precisely 7:46 AM Eastern Standard Time, leaving Hell, once the hottest place in the universe, solidly encased in ice.
Scrambling to determine what could have caused Hell’s temperature to plunge 3000 degrees in a matter of seconds, scientists traced the deep freeze back to a 10-year-old boy in Orlando. Apparently the child admitted his mother was “right.” Hell froze instantly.
“I’m as stunned as everyone,” said the boy’s still visibly shaken mother. “It was about 7:45 AM. He was getting dressed for school and couldn’t find a sock. I merely suggested that he look in his blankets. He found the sock, then boom! He said it. You were right, Mommy. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. I’m stunned. Just stunned.”
Climatologists are uncertain about the longterm effects of this dramatic temperature shift, but there is concern that we could experience a global ice age if more children begin conceding that their moms and dads are right. “It could be a planet killer,” said Herzog Werner, PhD, of the World Meteorological Organization in Geneva.
American meteorologists dismissed that prediction as unduly alarmist. “This is a freak occurrence, like a thousand-year storm or an asteroid strike,” assured atmospheric scientist Rob Blattner, PhD, of the National Weather Service in Silver Spring, Maryland. “We’re not going see another kid admitting their parent is right. It’s just not going to happen.”
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AUGUST 17–A 10-year-old Orlando boy took Gold in the Fastest Loss of a CamelBak Water Bottle event, setting a new world record for losing TWO brand-new BPA-free bottles by the THIRD day of school.
Asked about this amazing feat, the 10-year-old had this to say: “Mom, I swear I put them in my backpack!”
Picking through the back-to-school remains at Target, the boy’s mother could not be prouder. “He’s been training his whole life for this,” she said, as she plucked two replacement bottles with Hello Kitty motifs from the leftovers bin. “He’s lost just about everything we’ve ever given him: shoes … sweaters … jackets … lunch boxes … my iPhone. This dual water-bottle loss was a personal best. But we’re sure he’s destined for even bigger things, like losing his backpack with all his homework. Now THAT would be special.”